The call is coming from inside the house. Most of us who procrastinate know this. We feel it. We shame ourselves for it. “If only I had an action bias.” Or, having taken a Strengths Finder test, “I am not an Activator.”
So I delay. Research. Think. But I don’t do.
If you are also a procrastinator, I highly recommend Tim Urban’s post about Why Procrastinators Procrastinate. It’s fun, entertaining, and lets you put off that thing you should be doing instead of reading my post, or Tim’s.
I love what he wrote about why. Part 2, How to Beat Procrastination, has solid information in it as well. I use a lot of his tools to get through my work. However, maybe it’s the long hours I’ve put into therapy, or maybe I’m just in denial, but what’s getting me to write is to just assume I’m not going to publish any of this. Nothing will ever get done, and I’m not on any schedule. I mean, I’m the one running this thing, right?
I know you might be saying, “Yeah yeah, but I have bills to pay, man. I need to stop procrastinating.”
I’d say to you, and to the inner me, that you’ve been paying your bills just fine. So keep doing what you’re doing right now, and have some compassion for the inner you that just doesn’t wanna.
Doesn’t wanna get up. Doesn’t wanna work. Doesn’t want to clean the toilet. The garage. The backyard. Doesn’t wanna do that other project, or take on side work, or subscribe to hustle culture.
I’m writing because I’m interested in self-improvement. I’ve read hundreds of things a year about being better. The real answer is to stop doing all of that. Answer the call from my inner me. The calls from my kids, or my wife. The call to go out into nature and just feel something. When I show up for them I find I also show up for me.
How do I answer my own calls? How do I get the inner me to do what I want it to—the things that are good for me?
Well, I do my best to treat that inner me the same way I would treat a member of my staff, or my kids.
I sit. I talk to them in a kind voice. Not the scolding “It will take you 5 minutes, just do it” voice. That voice feeds on shame and ill-will to get action. When I was first getting to know my self, that was the voice I had to use to get started on my work. Tim Urban calls it “The Panic Monster.” Once I got going, the voice would subside, fade into the background, but it was always there. Waiting for me to slip up. To give it a chance to berate me. I let these slip ups become, as James Clear says, votes against myself1. No matter how fun or interesting the work became, it would be there when I started again.
The worst part about this? When I did do it well, I didn’t cast a vote for my better self. I’d chalk it up to luck, or some external factor that allowed me to succeed that time. A miserable way to navigate the already difficult task of being a human.
How have I been dealing with this shame cycle?
I consider myself to be a good leader of people. The points I always came back to as a leader were:
What is scaring this person?
What is this person feeling?
How do I hold space and tend to both of these?
There are numerous ways to get the answers to the first two parts. I like simple things, so I used a trick from Rands and just ask my self, “How are you?” and I listen carefully to the answer. You can hear a lot in the tone. How your body reacts. How I might shuffle in my seat, or tense up. I pay careful attention to all of these things, then ask myself the 3 points I listed above. (Same things work on your support staff, too!)
What’s scaring me? What am I feeling right now? How do I make space for myself and tend to these fears and feelings? Then I write it down.
Do anything long enough and you being to see patterns. For me, I saw fears and feelings that led to my procrastination. I found the reasons I don’t wanna. Those reasons were to protect a version of my inner self. The young child inside that was never taught self-support.
I’m not unique in this. People that slow down and listen to that part of themselves can find the answers. I’ve seen it happen, I know it works. It’s not easy though, because you have to admit you have feelings, and that some of those feelings are scared. Scared of shame. Scared of success. Scared of no success. Scared of finding a part of themselves that may have been lost long ago.
Now I do my best to answer the calls. Go out in nature. Take a walk or a run. Sit and meditate. Sometimes all I can do is just breathe. I try to hold the space for those feelings and get comfortable with them.
Over time this has lessened my feelings of don’t wanna. It’s reduced my distractions. It’s helped me focus.
The procrastination is calling from inside the house, it’s time to answer it.
https://jamesclear.com/3-2-1/june-4-2020